Out of the Bleu

Out of the bleu, and while everything is so calm on the outside, a young man holding his light hand up to her right ear and talking passed by, it was strange at first to see one man walking, so I sprang from my seat, at first thinking negatively of who this person might be, and then when I looked further at the guy, he was speaking to his fingers as if holding a mobile phone. He walked; looking to his left and to his right and sometimes to the back, still talking to has fingers.

At a time when we do not even look out the window during curfew, we wait until they give us the permission to leave, we wait till the Israelis announce that we could leave, this guy is strolling down the most dangerous road in Bethlehem; the new Israeli Military headquarters, the x-Palestinian presidential palace. The truth, I was scared, scared to shout and tell him to come back, scared that he would not hear me at such a distance, and scared that the army would know that someone is out there, that they might harm him and that they just might even harm us. What a crazy guy!!! I need to admit that from his looks he did not seem to be such an orderly person, nor from talking to his fingers, that he was a sensible young man to the least.

He managed to pass the southern gate to the palace, that is now blocked by 7 Palestinian cars, new cars that were scarped in 5 minutes by a massive D9, I held my head out, watching every tree leave that moved listening to every sound that I could hear, trembling within, and anticipating A GUNSHOT… Only a few seconds later, there were shots, two minutes later another two, a minute later another 3. I could not see, for the buildings upfront were blocking my sight, I still could hear, I do not know if they hit him, killed him, injured or even frightened him, I only heard the shots and could imagine what could have happened. They were three types of shots as if they were shot from three different types of gunshots, and seemed to be shot from three different locations, then there was silence, some cars moved, an army carrier moved, and … nothing.

Now if feel I could shout and shout till the end of the day, the end of life, I could have warned him I could have stopped him I was too scared, too slow, to appreciate my role in his life, now I heartened by my role in his injury, or probable death. I calm myself and say, he might have made it to safety, he just might have, maybe they only injured him, they only hit his leg, I can shout now, however it is too late, for now I am part of the unknown and the what might have happened, and the what might have they done to him… I could have been part of the “what was done”, but I did not. I could shout now, I could shout forever.

I do not know what happened to him, he might be dead, or he might be safe, I cannot know, the shots might be elsewhere, they might have not spotted him, he might be safe still talking to his finger, part of me says, well, why did he come here, why did he choose to walk this road, he should know better than to challenge them, he should know better and not be in these streets, he brought it onto himself, It strikes me, as I am trying to rid myself of this sense of guilt that I blame the victim, of course I blame them for shooting him … if they did, but I seem to justify their illegal existence and their mighty military power, that I expect a young man with a simple mind to be appreciative of what they might think of him, not the opposite…He is a probable threat to them, so killing him is an act of defense.

…. Is it possible that we are regarded by the outside world the same way I regarded that young man. We surely dress differently, look different and speak Chinese or even Aramaic to many of you, we are darker in color, some of our women veil themselves in black during summer, we live in big families and have many children. We surely act different, of course we do not all speak to our fingers, but we have been throwing stones at tanks and jeeps for the last 52 years, we still think that Jerusalem is ours and we cross the ugly borders every day without permission, we send our kids to the streets to throw stones to drive out what we know are occupying tanks, but are actually look-alikes and are only toys, we thank God for our misery and even death and we are sure of a better life in the other life, and most recently some of us have grown into the tendency to blow themselves up.

We seem not to appreciate a real chance for peace…a chance for flying bridges that connect our cities, for 2 month of work in a year, for water once a month and if we behave, sometimes twice, for the mere fact that the Israeli settle for areas “C’ while we live in area “A”, for the self gratifying sense of contributing ones land for the settlement of Russians, Ethiopians and people from all the world. We seem to nag a lot about closures and borders and humiliation etc…while it a civilized form of human traffic procedures. We should look at it as if we are special invitees, not every body gets a permit, a special permit for the specific occasion for a specific period and specific hour to work, get medicine, and pray in his own church and mosques, it is a mass VIP treatment but we seem not to appreciate that.

In that context, maybe you think we should have known better, we should have understood that the Israelis are only defending their own way of life, we should have not been there when the Israeli army drove through our towns and cities, in that context, we should stay home and wish they leave. In that context this never ending hesitance to tackle the real issue is justified, the killing and the destruction is neighed but understood, resolution after resolution are issued but the wording are never clear enough, the action never strong enough and the expectations not clear enough.

Having been house bound for the last 12 days, witnessing what was going around us and hearing the news of what was happening in Nablus, Jenin, Ramallah and Tulkarem. I felt helpless, powerless, confused by the messages of support conveyed and the condemnations repeated. It is matter of weeks they say … ANN reports “a massacre is committed” … “The Red Cross is not allowed in” … The whole camp is leveled to the ground, wait till they allow us in to see what happened… he is coming on Thursday, all will be clear by then … Today, this after noon, I will shout … That man was only walking down a hometown street, the outsider is not himself, his looks and his conduct can only be judged by those who prove morally worthy and legally upright, I will shout. Today, tomorrow and the day after. …Shout along.